... of manufactured religious persecution.
It.
Has.
Begun.
I wondered how it would start this year.
I wondered when the outrage would begin.
I mean, Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, right? And yet it was all quiet on the Western front. But the unrest percolated and the winds of war were brewing and I knew it couldn't be much longer.
And I was right.
Starbucks.
The chain emporium of burned coffee - a veritable devil's brew of bitter Jesus hatin' flavor in every cup - has pulled the first shot.
Yes, Folks, Starbucks is the Fort Sumter of this year's War on Christmas.
It seems Starbucks' holiday season cups are a simple red.
Yes, I know. Gasp.
There's no little evergreen tree of capitalism.
There's no anti-immigrant star of Bethlehem.
There's no "Merry Pagan Druid Holiday of Midwinter Co-opted by Early Christianity Which Shall Not Be Shortened To Xmas Despite The Fact That It Was A Perfectly Legitimate Christian Abbreviation From Mediaeval Times."
There's not even a gay marriage hating Little Baby Jesus. Just a simple red cup with the Starbucks logo on it.
Can you believe it?
Naturally - naturally - certain Evangelicals are outraged at this horrifying offense.
What?
Oh right. Yes, they're ALWAYS outraged, but they're outraged at this too I mean.
A counter-offensive has arisen led by faithful Christian partisans hopped up on the holy brew (see the attached video in the first comment for your part of God's Big Plan). Various fronts have been opened in the war, angels rage like steam-spitting espresso machines in Heaven, and new battles break out even as we speak. Twitter is aflame and soon the world will burn in righteous pumpkin-spice scented fire!
Right.
Listen, if as a Christian - as a Christian - you're offended, affronted, outraged, insulted, injured, disrespected, put out, or otherwise have your pious holy undergarments uncomfortably rubbing a sore spot into your Jesus bits over the design of a paper cup and you're all puffed up in an illusionary bit of self-manufactured persecution but you are NOT even MORE angry, pissed off, mad as hell, OUTRAGED over the fact that 2000 years after the Romans nailed your prophet to a cross, we, in the richest and most affluent country in the world, a country where Christians freely and routinely buy $7 seasonal designer coffee drinks just because they can, yeah, THAT country, if you're NOT outraged that we still have the same hungry, the same poor, and the same sick people that very same prophet told you selfish self-centered caramel mocha half-caf iced cappuccino swilling motherfuckers to feed, clothe, and heal, well, you know what? Maybe it IS time to bomb this ridiculous hypocrisy out of existence.
If you're outraged over a Starbucks coffee cup, you REALLY need to be chased naked and bleeding around a stadium by some hungry lions so you can gain an actual sense of perspective.
Here's the bottom line: when the people screaming loudest about their religion don't have any respect for their own prophet's ideals, why the hell should I?
Begun.
I wondered how it would start this year.
I wondered when the outrage would begin.
I mean, Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, right? And yet it was all quiet on the Western front. But the unrest percolated and the winds of war were brewing and I knew it couldn't be much longer.
And I was right.
Starbucks.
The chain emporium of burned coffee - a veritable devil's brew of bitter Jesus hatin' flavor in every cup - has pulled the first shot.
Yes, Folks, Starbucks is the Fort Sumter of this year's War on Christmas.
It seems Starbucks' holiday season cups are a simple red.
Yes, I know. Gasp.
There's no little evergreen tree of capitalism.
There's no anti-immigrant star of Bethlehem.
There's no "Merry Pagan Druid Holiday of Midwinter Co-opted by Early Christianity Which Shall Not Be Shortened To Xmas Despite The Fact That It Was A Perfectly Legitimate Christian Abbreviation From Mediaeval Times."
There's not even a gay marriage hating Little Baby Jesus. Just a simple red cup with the Starbucks logo on it.
Can you believe it?
Naturally - naturally - certain Evangelicals are outraged at this horrifying offense.
What?
Oh right. Yes, they're ALWAYS outraged, but they're outraged at this too I mean.
A counter-offensive has arisen led by faithful Christian partisans hopped up on the holy brew (see the attached video in the first comment for your part of God's Big Plan). Various fronts have been opened in the war, angels rage like steam-spitting espresso machines in Heaven, and new battles break out even as we speak. Twitter is aflame and soon the world will burn in righteous pumpkin-spice scented fire!
Right.
Listen, if as a Christian - as a Christian - you're offended, affronted, outraged, insulted, injured, disrespected, put out, or otherwise have your pious holy undergarments uncomfortably rubbing a sore spot into your Jesus bits over the design of a paper cup and you're all puffed up in an illusionary bit of self-manufactured persecution but you are NOT even MORE angry, pissed off, mad as hell, OUTRAGED over the fact that 2000 years after the Romans nailed your prophet to a cross, we, in the richest and most affluent country in the world, a country where Christians freely and routinely buy $7 seasonal designer coffee drinks just because they can, yeah, THAT country, if you're NOT outraged that we still have the same hungry, the same poor, and the same sick people that very same prophet told you selfish self-centered caramel mocha half-caf iced cappuccino swilling motherfuckers to feed, clothe, and heal, well, you know what? Maybe it IS time to bomb this ridiculous hypocrisy out of existence.
If you're outraged over a Starbucks coffee cup, you REALLY need to be chased naked and bleeding around a stadium by some hungry lions so you can gain an actual sense of perspective.
Here's the bottom line: when the people screaming loudest about their religion don't have any respect for their own prophet's ideals, why the hell should I?
https://www.facebook.com/Stonekettle/posts/915635201805217
